Clowning Around
by ObsidianWolf001
Summary: Good God, don't let the title fool you this is no fluff whatsoever. Obsidian broke free on request of the-true-bae on Tumblr, for the prompt of Kaneki finding out about the Clowns. I had been dying to write this, so please, enjoy it, I loved it desperately. Thank you, and REVIEW.


Clownin Around

Kaneki was an insomniac. It was a thing that had just been apart of him since he'd gotten free of Jason's torture. He would close his eyes for fifteen minutes at a time, jolt awake, and try again after he laid there long enough in Uta's arms. Sometimes Uta would wake with him, asking if everything was okay, saying he thought he'd heard something, Kaneki would reassure him and they would go back to sleep, and Uta would be asleep again the next time he woke.

But Kaneki wasn't stupid. He wasn't as oblivious as he had been, as he seemed to be still at times. He'd always been a little crazy, but after Rize, it had slipped some, and then after Jason, he'd lost all control of it. He was fine with that. He was almost grateful for it. After breaking free, he'd come straight to the only person he thought he could reallly trust, because he'd never done him wrong before. And then one day, Kaneki had awakened in the middle of the night, around three in the morning, and Uta had been missing from beside him. He'd almost panicked, but then he'd heard something downstairs, and thought maybe he'd had his own bad dream and wanted to get some work done. He didn't want to interrupt him, but he just needed to see his face and make sure he was alright.

He'd gone down the stairs to find that Uta was not alone. Itori had been there, and four others he didn't recognize. So he'd stayed quiet, careful on the sturdy stairs not to give away his presence, putting his head well out of view of the others, and listened.

He knew they were a group called the Clowns. They were neutral, or so it seemed, in the human/ghoul struggle that most of them faced, and they weren't likely to give up any time soon on each other. They were close. All of them seemed a little crazy, and Uta was their leader.

He'd gone to the bedroom and laid in bed, staring at the inside of his eyelids, because he couldn't get back to sleep. It had happened three more times in as many months before Kaneki found out why Uta hadn't shared this part of himself with Kaneki.

Uta had been the reason Kaneki had been tortured.

Had he still been little black-haired, timid Kaneki, he may have broken down then and gone to confront all of them there, like a moron. Ask Uta what all of that was, who they were and why they were talking about Aogiri, how he even knew about them. Yell and ask if he even knew what it had done to their friends at Anteiku. Ask him about Touka, and if he had planned what had happened to her at the hands of her brother as well.

But he wasn't.

He waited, listening in to learn as much as he could about them. About why they worked they way they did, what their real motives were. He'd listened to every word, some of it bringing him to silent tears when they talked about Kaneki. Itori seemed to actually like him, at least. Most of them did. They would ask Uta how long he planned to keep Kaneki.

Uta never answered.

So this time when Kaneki woke, and Uta wasn't there and there was sound from downstairs, Kaneki made no real effort to stay quiet. He _was_ , because it was just ingrained in him to be as quiet as possible anymore, but he didn't really hide it. He came down the stairs and listened to what they were talking about. Of course, it was him again.

"Really, Uta, hoarding is a nasty thing. You can't just keep him to yourself. The rest of the plan isn't done yet, but we've all enjoyed it sufficiently here." Itori sounded a little tipsy, possibly accounting for how loud she was being.

"I think he's gotten attached to the little halfling. I mean, I understand it, really. If he was gone tomorrow I would be a little upset too, but Uta seems incredibly attached. Are you going to keep him forever?" Another voice he recognized as belonging to the man he would very nearly swear was gay were it not for some of the things he said at time.

"And if I am?" Uta responded.

Kaneki stepped off the stairs and rounded a mannequin, crossing his arms. "Are you?" He asked.

The room went absolutely silent. Even Itori could measure the sudden emotion in Uta's face, but Kaneki kept his perfectly blank. He raised a single brow. "You'd think by now you would realize you live with an insomniac with a freshly hyperactive sense of awareness. Thanks for that, by the way." He moved forward a little more. "I hope it was thoroughly _amusing_."

It was still quiet, all of them looking at each other, at Uta, trying to figure out the angle. Was he angry? Why was he so calm? He probably seemed so volatile to everyone else in public, even to Uta when the were alone. But this wasn't who they _thought_ he was. They were dealing with who he really was. Kaneki cocked his head. "What's the matter? A little shocked, are we, that the product of all the directing and orchestrating is standing here? Did you forget I'm my own person, or are you actually person enough to be embarassed that you got caught?"

When still no one spoke, he turned his gaze on Uta. He was back to blank faced, if not a little crueler. Kaneki didn't let the blank face slip. "Were you just keeping an eye on me?" He asked, locking eyes and refusing to let go.

Uta didn't answer.

" _Answer me._ Am I just here so you can watch me?" Kaneki hissed.

Uta blinked a bit slowly, looking as if he were considering Kaneki. "No, I'm not." He answered.

"So what's up with this then? Do you go out with your toys often?" Kaneki asked. "Or am I a person when I'm actually around?"

Uta stood out of his chair, and the others stepped back. Kaneki stood his ground.

"If you're going to hit me then you'd better make sure I don't get up again, and hope to God it hurts. I don't give a fuck if I can't take you, I will damn sure try until you put me down and keep me there." He warned Uta.

Itori giggled. "This is going to be good." She slurred, leaning on the stool Uta had just vacated.

"I'm not going to hit you." Uta told Kaneki. "I've told you once and I'll say it again. I won't hit you."

Itori groaned drunkenly, but was silenced by a sharp glance from Uta. He turned back to look at Kaneki and reached out to take his shoulder. Kaneki took a step back out of the range of his hand. "Don't touch me. I'm not sure I want you touching me right now." He demanded.

The other Clowns stayed silent, watching it all play out. Uta nodded. "You have every right to be angry." He replied.

Kaneki shook his head, cutting off what else he was about to say. "I'm not mad. I'm not even upset at this point. I'm a little agitated, because I doubt anyone would be real happy being a toy for a group of people they don't even know. I feel a bit stupid knowing that I've been living with you as your pet experiment. A lot like I don't even know you. But I guess these five are the only ones who really do." He explained to Uta.

Uta gave him a sad glance. "That isn't fair." He answered.

Kaneki let his face show how that sentence pissed him off. "Oh, it's not fair for me to tell you exactly what I'm feeling right now, but it's fair for you to keep it from me that you threw me to the dogs to have this done?"

Kaneki released his kagune, and the kakuja with it, showing Uta for the first time what had been done to him. He hadn't told Uta about his time with Jason, but he had told him that he was tortured and that was what had happened to him. He hadn't said anything else. Now Uta saw what had been done to him, and only the gay one said anything. He'd been part of Aogiri now that Kaneki saw his face.

"I couldn't tell what happened to Yamori. I thought the CCG tore it off." He suggested.

Kaneki shook his head. "No. I did it with my teeth." He answered, looking at Uta as his eyes took in the kakuja. "This is what your game did to me. Tell me again how fair it is, Uta."

Uta's eyes came up to Kaneki's. Kaneki gave him a look almost daring him to speak.

He did.

"I'm sorry that you went through it. I was going to tell you the next day. I was on my way to Anteiku to find you, and when I got there, Yoshimura was putting everything back together, and helping Touka. You were already gone. When you got back, I knew it was too late to stop it. So why does it matter now that you know?"

Kaneki shook his head. "I never said it did matter. What matters is if I'm still just a toy to you. Because if I am, I'd rather just stay at a distance. I'll wake up alone and at least know that I won't be going downstairs to find you talking about me again as if I were just a toy." He answered. "So answer the question. Am I staying, or are you going to finish playing your games?"

The room descended into absolute silence again, and Kaneki put the kagune away, standing there to stare directly at Uta. When he didn't answer again, Kaneki turned to grab his clothes from upstairs. He didn't really care about anything else. He had it all back at his apartment. As he was turning to leave, however, he felt a hand on his arm, and he turned to see Uta gripping his shoulder.

Uta pulled him close against his chest. "You're staying." His voice broke when he said it, barely more than a choked whisper, and he held Kaneki tight, as if were he to let go Kaneki would disappear forever.

Kaneki nodded, putting his head on Uta's shoulder. "Then I'm going to try to get back to sleep. But you should take them upstairs. I think I'll sleep better down here tonight." Kaneki answered.

Uta nodded, brushing his hand over Kaneki's hair. "You don't have to do that." He answered.

Kaneki pulled away from Uta. "I do. I couldn't get back to sleep in that bed if I wanted to right now." He told Uta.

Uta's eyes held a huge amount of emotion, but he nodded anyway, turning one cold glare at the others before the Clowns started moving up the stairs to the apartment. Kaneki laid down on the couch in the corner of Uta's shop where he laid when he slept, but tonight he didn't sleep. He couldn't make himself sleep at all. He laid down and turned to face the back of the couch, where he could feel his own breath hot on his face. He could at least pretend then that the warmth on his face was only from that. But it wasn't.

Kaneki cried all night long, curled into a little ball on the couch, remaining quiet so Uta wouldn't come back down the stairs. He didn't hear them upstairs moving around. At one point he moved to the door and saw one of them standing by the stairs, and he glanced over just as Kaneki moved to lay back on the couch.

He'd never felt so betrayed in his life. He'd never felt so much pain.

He'd never felt so conflicted.

The Clowns left around six in the morning. Itori waved at Kaneki slightly, but Kaneki merely nodded at her. Uta stood on the last step and watched them leave, then he turned to Kaneki.

"I wasn't sure you would still be here when they left." He said.

"Neither was I." Kaneki replied.

That looked like it had stung Uta. "I asked you to stay." Uta answered.

"I wasn't really sure that mattered." Kaneki answered.

Uta sighed, leaning against the wall by Kaneki's space. "Are you ever going to forgive me?" He asked desperately.

Kaneki looked at Uta, staring up at him almost shocked. "I'm crazy, Uta, but I don't just have two personalities on tap at any given moment. I trusted you. I can't just fix how badly you broke that, before I had even known you. I _need_ to know I can trust you with my life, and you were just using it as a game." He told Uta.

Uta looked, for once, absolutely terrified and disheveled. He scrubbed his hands over his face, looking down at Kaneki before crouching between his thighs. He reached out as if to take Kaneki's hands, hesitated, and then put them down on his sides. "Please Kaneki, listen to me." He begged.

"What will you say that will make this all better, Uta?" Kaneki asked. "I'm not angry, and I'm not even upset that you did it. I'm upset that you didn't tell me the minute we got close. That you just let it play out until it got this far."

"No, listen to me. Just, please, let me explain." Uta begged him. "I didn't know you when it started. I only knew that you had a thing for Rize in the coffee shop and you were always there. Touka mentioned you hanging around, and that Rize was honing in on you, and we saw an oppurtunity. I didn't drop the I-beams. That was Itori. She was passing by when she saw you going down an alley with Rize towards a construction zone. She saw the oppurtunity and took it, and when she told us what was going on, we just decided to put it forward. Aogiri was already about to come down on Rize. We thought they'd still want her. But then I met you. I met you, and I fell in love with you Kaneki. I couldn't keep it up. I suggested closing it down way before you were gone, and they persuaded me to keep it going. But when I thought about you at the hands of some psycho path I was so angry. I told them that I didn't care what was going on, I was going to beat hell out of Yamori if he got his hands on you. I told them that you are mine and I would fight for you if I had to. They all laughed, but said we could call it off." He was frantic when he spoke, hair falling in his face and his hands shook where they touched Kaneki.

"You're the leader, Uta. You don't bow to anyone." Kaneki replied.

Uta pressed his face into Kaneki's stomach. "Kaneki, please. I have never begged anyone for anything. But I'm begging you, please, stay. Please." He begged. "You're all I care about, and I need you to stay with me. I do love you. I do. And you are not just a toy to me. You never were just a toy, not when it mattered. When I cared. Please."

Kaneki looked at him, on his knees under Kaneki, pressing his face into Kaneki's skin and cllinging to his body. He begged on his knees for Kaneki to stay, for a second chance, and promised he loved Kaneki. He wrapped his arms around Uta's head, pulling him close. "I love you too, Uta. I do." He told Uta.

"Will you stay?" Uta asked.

Kaneki looked at him, pulling his head up. He leaned down to press his lips to Uta's, waiting until he felt Uta's hands frame his face. "I'll stay. But I have to learn to trust you again. You have to accept that, or I have to go. I can't stay knowing you're sneaking behind me."

Uta nodded, clinging to Kaneki's shoulders. "Alright."

Kaneki sighed, carefully holding him. "I'm staying."


End file.
